 1. Rob (CBS) Stars: Rob Schneider, Cheech Marin, Claudia Bassois, Diana Maria Riva, Eugenio Derbez, Lupe Ontiveros Frankly, it’s a shock that Rob even lasted eight episodes—smart money would’ve been on a three-ep run, a la NBC’s similarly canned The Playboy Club. That’s nothing to be proud of, though; with nary a genuine laugh to give or any racially sensitive concerns, the perpetually unfunny Rob Schneider’s fish-out-of-water sitcom flopped around like a dying trout—or maybe that best describes the viewers’ reactions. Keeping up his trademark buffoonery at the expense of every ethnic type in any given census report, Schneider targeted Mexicans in Rob, playing a tool with OCD who marries into a Mexican-American family, overseen by the shameless Cheech Marin. Cue the onslaught of stereotypes and obvious look-at-the-white-guy punch lines. And the ringing of Adam Sandler’s iPhone as Schneider calls him to beg for a role in the next Happy Madison production.
 2. Two and a Half Men (CBS) Stars: Jon Cryer, Ashton Kutcher, Angus T. Jones, Conchata Ferrell, Marin Hinkle, Holland Taylor, Sophie Winkleman, Judy Greer, Courtney Thorne-Smith In its first two episodes, Charlie Sheen’s comeback series, on FX, Anger Management, looks and feels as if his Two and a Half Men character moved to a new city and began a career as a therapist. And, wouldn’t you know it, Sheen is the best thing about the show—he strains, admirably at that, to make the marginally humorous jokes work. It’s enough to leave us wishing he’d return to Two and a Half Men. Especially since Ashton Kutcher, his replacement on the hit CBS sitcom, is mostly a bland straight man, exactly what Two and a Half Men didn’t need. There’s already Jon Cryer to fill that role, and, when paired with Sheen, Cryer’s Tony Randall to Sheen’s Jack Klugman gave their odd couple set-up ample room for a combustible chemistry. Cryer’s rapport with Kutcher, on the other hand, is equivalent to two wet sticks trying to make fire.
 3. Jersey Shore (MTV) It's no secret that the spell this show cast over the world in 2009 has been broken for some time now. As the drama and fights have gone stale over time, so have the ratings. Last season, the show's fifth, saw a significant decline in viewers of the series for the first time since it premiered. Though the numbers are still high, especially for a cable network, it's still never a good sign when people start changing the channel. We can't blame them, though. While the fourth season was bad, the fifth season was just one entirely boring clusterfuck. Snooki seemed to have toned down her crazy in an effort to keep then-boyfriend and current-fiancé/babydaddy Jionni happy; Deena spent most of the time complaining about how she's the only single one in the house anymore and making weird noises like "merrr" to convey her grievances; Vinny took off for a few episodes to "recoupe" which really just means that the producers felt the episodes were getting a little too boring so they decided to inject some pointless drama into the mix even though it's obvious he's under contract; and The Situation was so obsessed with making everyone believe that Snooki had cheated on Jionni with him that we began to worry for his sanity. Never thought we'd say this, but it all sort of made us miss the days of Angelina a little bit.
 4. Smash (NBC) Stars: Katharine McPhee, Debra Messing, Anjelica Huston, Jack Davenport, Megan Hilty, Christian Borle, Raza Jaffrey, Jaime Cepero Back in early February, when NBC premiered the highly anticipated Broadway musical drama series Smash, the critics were all hot and bothered—in the best way possible—about the pilot, lavishing it with praise. So curiosity was piqued, and, yes, the first episode was quite enjoyable, driven by a rousing climax and a potential star-is-born performance from Katharine McPhee. So what the hell happened? Faster than the producers could say “We’re not a Glee rip-off,” Smash degenerated into an amalgamation of overly melodramatic acting, annoying characters, and conflicts transpiring with all the emotional resonance of an iCarly episode. Smash will return for a second season at the top of 2013, but will its viewership? Count those of us around these parts out.
 5. Are You There, Chelsea? (NBC) Stars: Laura Prepon, Jake McDorman, Lauren Lapkus, Chelsea Handler, Natasha Leggero, Lenny Clarke, Ali Wong, Mark Povinelli Somebody needs to give Laura Prepon good material, because the former That '70s Show actress definitely has what it takes to hold down a headlining star role on a sitcom. But she’s not Wonder Woman, and Are You There, Chelsea?, NBC’s resounding disappointment from executive producer Chelsea Handler, just dragged Prepon down with it. Based on Handler’s non-fiction book, Are You There, Vodka? It’s Me, Chelsea, the show followed a boozing waitress (Prepon) who favors random sex over advancing her life in any significant ways. Given such an unsympathetic character, Prepon came across as loathsome, not emphatic, and Are You There, Chelsea? never seemed interested in making viewers care about her. Add on to that the weekly barrage of abrasively mean-spirited one-liners and you had a sitcom even less likeable than Whitney. Ouch. |