Beaten down and done, just done - Jennifer - May 30th 2012

Beaten down and done, just done - Jennifer - May 30th 2012

I came across this website in a desperate attempt to reach out to anyone. To distract myself from ending my exisitance, as I am alive, yet emotionally dead. At 54, its too late, it's over. It never happened and it never will. I am undeserving, as I am not human. I am alone. No meaningful friends. A family full of psychopaths. No job, no house, no self esteem, PSTD, depression, triggers all around, no where to turn, no hope. I live in complete isolaton with my 80 year old mother, taking care of her house upkeep and basic needs. Every day is the same. A face full of scars due to revenge of a sister in law. I am ugly and cannot look in a mirror. I suffer from PTSD & due to my currently untreated depression (due to the need to find better health insurance and fear of being denied) I live in a fog with the inability to put a sensible sentence together without looking like a complete idiot, I am scattered, so please bear with me.

I was abused by my father from the ages of 5-9? Everynight he would come into my room for no reason, take off his belt and beat me and my sister with such horrifing rage while angrily repeating ''NOW CRY YOURSELF TO SLEEP!!!" Belt and buckle. I will never forget the intense rage in his face. The stinging power of how hard he pulled back to get in a good hit. Over and over. A fear no child should ever endure. We did nothing to deserve his abuse, but lay in our bed at bedtime. Daily my body was covered in bruises that I tried to hide for fear of more.. I had no other association with my dad as he never even acknowledged my exisitance other than his nightly, drunken, abusive ritual. I would go to school, exausted, with my hands crunched and stiff from holding my blankets up tight all night in fear he would come back. This went on EVERYNIGHT for YEARS. In my small house there was no way my mother didnt know as i always cried out to her, she never came. She HAD to know since many times i heard her tell my father to "GO TAKE CARE OF THEM!" and to this day, she comes up with many off the wall excuses for why he "spanked us"..thats all she sees it as, a spanking.

I had breathing problems as a kid and now i know that was hyperventilation due to stress. i was always covered in bruises, but one summer I had a dinner plate size bruise wrapped completely around my 5 year old leg. I wore long pants all during the hot summer days and told no one for fear my dad would make it worse. My mother never noticed. In hindsite, I am surprised it didnt kill me.

For an entire year (could have been longer) I couldn't talk, words would just not come out, my parents would tell others that I was shy.

Fast forward. I married an abusive loser. Divorced him. I had a daughter WHO I NEVER ABUSED. I love her dearly and brought her up with all the love I could give with NO abuse. The unconditional love I felt for my child saddened me for what i never had and made me realize HOW THE HELL CAN A PARENT DO THAT TO THEIR CHILD?". She was/is the pride and joy of my life and as she grew the very few issues we had, we talked them out. Never would I abuse her..NEVER!!! She is now a grad student and doing very well. There is not a fiber of abuse in me, towards my child..or any child. My only unspoken accomplishment- The circle of abuse in my family, ended with me.

I was 5 and abused horribly. I lived in such fear no child should live. How could a parent do this to us? How? My mother was never there for us either. A cold woman. We were essentially ignored. My sister and I were a 'thing' she had to feed, clothe and send to school. We were a nuisance to her and it showed. My mother ignored my dads abuse in our small house and as an adult, when questioned, she would have every excuse in the book. First, Im a liar with a vivid imagination, then.. she tried telling him to stop and it only happened ONE TIME.. and my all time favorite, maybe he was just having a bad day.

My alchoholic dad was diagnosed with cancer a few years ago. While my daugher was in college, I lived with him and took care of him during his drunkest days (and my co-dependant mother who is incapable of thinking for herself)

6 months before he died, I was having a hard time emotionally. I tried to ask him why he abused my sister and I. I needed answers, I needed to heal, and knew I may never have a chance as his life was slipping away..

I tearfully asked him why he beat us every night and from my heart told him how it has affected my life, the depression, self esteem issues, PSTD..etc. I thought we could talk as adults.

I was wrong.

His answer "I DON'T GIVE A SHIT HOW IT AFFECTED YOU THEN AND I DONT GIVE A SHIT HOW IT AFFECTS YOU NOW!!!! YOU DESERVED WHAT YO GOT!!!" Instead of an 'I'm sorry, I screwed up' 'I was drunk..or ANTHING, he made sure, through his final words, I continue to suffer.

He is dead now. No tears at his funeral. The day he died i felt somewhat free. I don't miss him, yet I sometimes feel guilty that I don't. Until my brother continued his abuse. I am my brothers skapegoat. I am set up, lied to, and accused of being the a liar. I have done nothing but take care of my mother & her house. I have nothing, not even a reason to live anymore. It's a long story.. A story I dont want to live over and over again. I just cant anymore. my adult brother pulls stunts for my mothers attention like a 12 year old, my mother makes excuses for his behaviour.

I have a list pages long of the crap he has pulled on me since my dad died. He was never abused & has a great life, thanks to my dad and his love and respect for his sons.. I say good for him. Enjoy it! but leave me the hell alone. I guess it makes him feel manly & powerful to bully me.

If I kill myself, my unabused and very loved bothers would be thrillied, i picture them partying as they would celebrate their larger portion of inheritance. Mine. Not that they need it. As for myself, I would forgo all of the money in the world for just one sane day of erased memories of abuse and neglect.

CONTEXT(Help)
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Argumentation and Debate - 62241 »Argumentation and Debate - 62241
Danielle Anderson »Danielle Anderson
Music Debate »Music Debate
Alyssa Lies by Jason Carroll »Alyssa Lies by Jason Carroll
we should help chidlren who are abused in their homes »we should help chidlren who are abused in their homes
school board needs to be aware of this and act on it »school board needs to be aware of this and act on it
The community needs to be more involved.  »The community needs to be more involved.
there is no way to get out unless we help them at an early age »there is no way to get out unless we help them at an early age
Beaten down and done, just done - Jennifer - May 30th 2012
it will affect them all the way until adult hood »it will affect them all the way until adult hood
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