It all began one November day in 2001. I was working in the mall selling fake hair (LOL I know right?) This super cute lady came up and I was talking to her about well....fake hair. She said to me "You are so cute! You should meet my son." Of course what new college student would pass that opportunity up? I told her to send him in. Well, he never came. This could be the end of our story but luckily its not. I saw her a week or so later and asked "What the french lady! He never came in!" She told me that he had, but I was talking to another guy and he didn't want to interrupt. My bad. She called him right then and there. Next thing I knew he was on his way over. Let me just say that its a good thing I had access to fake hair, cause I totally did not get ready that day.
I can still vividly remember him walking around the corner of my cart. He had on a green shirt and totally longish flowy hair. No joke, his hair was awesome. He was so HOT! The second that I saw him, it was like I recognized him. I knew I was going to marry him, cross my heart.
About 3 months into our relationship Courtney came to me and told me that he was an addict. His parents told him that he needed to come clean with me or they would. I am, at this point in my life completely naive to EVERYTHING like this. I to this day have never smoked or done any type of drug. I didn't even know what alcohol smelled like. So Court comes to me and says that he is addicted to Loratab. And right then and there I decided I was going to save him. I was going to love him so much that he wouldn't be able to use any more. I was going to be the reason why he changed. If you have ever dealt with an addict you are familiar with these feelings.
It took me years to learn that I didn't cause his addiction, I couldn't control it, and I couldn't stop it. But I am getting ahead of myself.
6 months after finding this out we were engaged. My parents supported our wedding 0%. Why would anyone in their right mind be OK with their daughter marrying an addict? Exactly. We decided that we were going to be married in Nov. Courtney started going to an outpatient treatment program called Reach. By this time he was no longer snorting Loratab, he had begun injecting Oxy Contin. There was no controlling it. He dropped out of rehab when they told him that he needed to go to an inpatient program. Needless to say our wedding didn't happen in November.
On December 27, 2002 I found out that I was pregnant with our oldest daughter Ivie. I was overwhelmed to say the least. Courtney was ecstatic. He stopped injecting Oxy Contin and started taking Methadone. We were married on Feb 8, 2003. All of the money that we got from our wedding Courtney used to buy pills. Fairly soon after the wedding he began injecting Oxy Contin again.
I remember one night, he came into our room terrified that he had taken to much. He pulled a syringe out from his pocket that contained salt water. He told me that if his heart stopped I needed to inject him with the salt water to start his heart again. TOTALLY NOT TRUE. Do not take my drug addict husbands advice if you are ever in that situation. I was only 20 years old when all of this was going on. Court was 24.
Our lives were in complete chaos. Here I am young, pregnant, and completely confused, lonely, lost, and guilty that I was not helping him. I was wrapped in my own addiction and didn't even know it.
On May 7, 2003 I was particularly lost. I had a doctors appointment that day and Court couldn't come in with me because he was too sick. That night I made him pray with me. It had been so long since I had talked to my Father in Heaven. Would he even listen? I had created so much chaos in my life, He had to hate me. But I still prayed. I made Courtney kneel down with me and prayed with all my heart that He could cure Court's addiction. I told him how lost and lonely I was, how I couldn't bring a baby into this crazy life. I plead with him to help Courtney get off of pills. I know that God can work miracles according to our faith and I KNEW that he could heal Court. He did, just not in a way that I could comprehend. Isn't it funny how that seems to work out?
The very next day Courtney was arrested. He was working at a call center, the owners of the call center were involved in some major illegal activity and the DEA came and raided it. Courtney had a syringe and spoon on him. I was at work (still in the mall but in a jewelry store) when he called me from Purgatory. He told me what had happened and I IMMEDIATELY flew into full fledged Co-Dependent Chaos. I had to save him! I had to come up with $10,000 to bail him out....NOW!
I couldn't figure out why this was happening....I had just prayed to Heavenly Father, I had told him that I was overwhelmed to the brink of insanity. He knew my heart, didn't he know that I was expecting him to just take Courts addiction away? No consequences, no reproductions, I had already suffered enough. Oh my naive mind! I couldn't see then that this whole situation was guided by God himself. He did know my heart. He knew I needed a husband that was sober for himself, not for any other reason.
Courtney's uncle was working for Washington County District Attorney Office at the time. We immediately called him to see what was going to happen from here. He told us that if we left him in jail that he would qualify for drug court and upon completion he would have his record wiped clean.
When I told Court the plan he lost it. He told me that he never should have married someone that wasn't going to help him. He told me that he would never leave me in jail. He terrified me with the worry of something happening to him while he was in there. He told me he missed me and was ready to come home and be a good husband. He told me he would never use again. He told me that he would never talk to me again. He told me he would never call. He told me he was so sorry and he loved me. As you can see Addicts are manipulative, he was telling me everything that I wanted to hear and everything I didn't want to hear in order to get me to bail him out. I probably would have done it a million times over in my moments of weakness if I had $10,000. That is one of the only times in my life that I am glad I was broke.
The first time I went to the jail to visit him will forever be ingrained in my mind. They take you to this really long hallway that is sectioned off. There is a chair, a phone and a tiny TV in each section. I sat there nervous as can be while they took him to a room with a phone and TV in it too. He looked so different. He was gaining weight. His hair was long and he was growing a beard. He was not happy to see me. For the next 15 minutes he answered my questions with "yes" or "no". When he finally did talk he told me how much he hated being in there and he couldn't believe that I of all people would leave him there. Heartbreak. I loved him so much and now I was even more alone than I was when he was home, His family was wonderful, but mine was hours away and I was not very open with them about the situation. I felt all alone in this world, with only our unborn Ivie to keep me company.
This was our life for the next 2 1/2 months. On Saturdays we could go and see him in person behind a huge plexi-glass wall. He was starting to smile again, he was acting more and more like the person that I felt in my heart he could be. He was happier and he was sober.
At the time Drug Court was handled by a company called Southwest Center. It is the same place that he had gone to the Reach program at 8 months prior. The counselors are assigned to inmates to evaluate them and see if they are a good candidate for Drug Court. Courtney's counselors were named Angie and Aaron. My Co-Dependent controlling self immediately contacted them and set up a meeting. They HAD to know our situation. He HAD to get into Drug Court. They told me that for severe cases there was a 90 day minimum inpatient program in Cedar City called The Horizon House that they would send people to before they were admitted into Drug Court. Angie assured me that Court would not have to go there. I believed her.
Finally it was the morning of his court date (court was at 5:00 pm). Angie and Aaron told me earlier in the week that they were going to be recommending that Courtney was accepted into drug court and I was so glad that he was finally going to be coming home!!!
Aaron called me that afternoon. He told me that they had spoken to the counselors that dealt with Courtney at Reach, these counselors had recommend The Horizon House to the judge and that's what the judge had decided was the best thing.
He wasn't going to come home today.
He wasn't going to come home for at least 90 days.
I only had 4 weeks left in my pregnancy. He wasn't going to be home in time to be there when Ivie was born.
The life drained out of me. I have never in my life wailed uncontrollably except for at this moment. I lost feeling in my legs and collapsed. I was completely inconsolable and void of any feeling at the same time. Why would Heavenly Father do this to me? Why would he do it to our baby? WHY?
We went into the courthouse that evening and Court was smiling. He didn't know that he wasn't coming home. The second he saw my face he knew that our plans had changed.
Court was taken to the Horizon House 2 days later. I had exactly 1 month until my due date of August 16th.
This is just my opinion with my experience. My frustration with this situation comes flooding back as I write this. I am sorry if I offend anyone. I am EXTREMELY grateful that things worked out the way that they did.
Even when you are going through a hard time in your life just know that its PERFECT. Its perfect, because it is in a series of events that will take you where you eventually need to go. Its perfect, because You have a loving Heavenly Father that loves you enough to let you learn and grow. We are here to become the best Children Of God that we can be through trial and error and mistakes and heartbreak. Its how we learn to trust Him, who knows all.
The staff at the Horizon House were cruel. They were scaring sobriety into the patients. Threatening to send them back to jail at every turn. They were recovering addicts themselves, which let me make this Crystal Clear, I have zero problems with. But the tactics they used were just as manipulative as an addict in the middle of his addiction.
The first time that Courtney's Mom and I went to a Wednesday Night Family Group, I was SO EXCITED to see him and kiss him and hug him! It had been months since I held him and I just ached to touch him. I cant remember the exact circumstances regarding what the staff had told him was acceptable or not. I do remember that during our break we went outside and he was very withdrawn physically because he was worried that he would get in trouble. One of the in particular counselors was especially terrible.
That first night we were there they were showing a movie. We were sitting on the third row of chairs. We were not allowed to hold hands. Ivie started kicking really hard and I wanted Court to be able to feel it. Now, you have to remember that he had been gone the whole time that you were actually able to feel her move, he had never felt it before. I guided his hand to where she was kicking. He looked at me with astonishment and a huge smile on his face. This precious moment gave me hope. It was interrupted by theis counselor pausing the movie and yelling "Courtney, do you think that that's more important than your sobriety?" I was so hurt and embarrassed. It was like we were children getting scolded by their teacher for cheating or something.
On Sundays we were allowed to go and see him for 2 hours. I loved these moments. I could just spent the entire time just staring at him in awe...and I did.
The morning of Sunday August 3, 2003 Court called me and asked how I was feeling. I hadn't gotten out of bed yet and told him I was feeling pregnant. He told me that the house was on restriction and so we wouldn't be able to come and see him that day. He told me that he loved me and he had to get off the phone but he would call me when they were off restriction.
When I got out of bed something "felt strange" Lol. I thought that maybe my water had broke. "NOOO this isn't supposed to be happening for 2 more weeks! I am not ready to do this by myself" kept replaying in my head. I went into the hospital they nurses confirmed that it indeed had but it was higher on the placenta and was more of a slow leak (TMI?) I called the Horizon House to tell them that I was in labor. (We had been told that if Court was doing well in his groups then maybe he could come down.) The counselor gave me the number of a Tracker (a police-like officer that is in charge of drug court participants) and told me to call and see if I could convince one of them to come and pick him up and drive him 30 minutes to St. George. When I finally got through they told me that they would try but couldn't guarantee anything and to keep them posted.
So there I sat, in the hospital, by myself. I had no way of talking to Court because he was on restriction. I had no way of knowing if the tracker was going to bring him down. I had no way of knowing if the Horizon House had even told him that I was in labor or if they would let him come. I called my mom in Salt Lake (about 4 hours away) and told her that I was in the hospital. She was torn, my sister was leaving for girls camp the next day and she didn't want to leave her alone. Alone? You mean for the 12 hours until she leaves? I didn't know how much more alone I could be. I prayed with all my heart that Court would be able to come down so that I wouldn't be alone anymore.
For some reason I wasn't dilating even after they had given me pitocin . At about 10 pm Dr. Lunt decided that it would be better to take me off the pitocin and let me sleep throughout the night and re-start it in the morning. What a blessing it was, that I wasn't dilating. There was zero chance that Courtney could have been there that day.
My mom arrived that morning at about 2 am. My mother in law had been there with me all day, its funny how even with people you love surrounding you, in an experience like this, you feel detached from them. They couldn't take my husbands place.
The next morning they started my pitocin again and labor progressed pretty rapidly. I received a call from the Tracker and they told me that they were going to have Courtney down as soon as they could. He was coming!!! That was around 9:30 am. At 1:44 pm Ivie came out all on her own with only 3 pushes from me. I wasn't ready yet. Court still wasn't there.
He came in about 10 minutes later. I almost flew out of bed when I saw him (except I was completely numb from my epidural) He was like a deer in the headlights. So much was going on around him. Poor guy.
We were taken into another room where he washed Ivie and we got to spend a little time alone. I missed him so bad. The Horizon House was hard, he was second guessing everything, answering questions the way he thought they wanted him too. He hated it.
2 hours after he arrived he had to leave.
He called me that night in tears. They had drug tested him when he got back and the test came back positive. He had not used, I knew that for a fact. I racked my brain with how he could have tested positive. Had the medication that I took been transferred to him when I kissed him? He said that they were going to send the test out for further analysis.
I was furious and confused and stressed out. 5 hours after giving birth this crazy house of counselors with no degrees were accusing my husband of getting high while he was at the hospital. I felt like I was screaming my prayers into the ceiling and they were just coming right back down to me. I needed an answer. I need to know HOW to make it so Courtney could come home to our new family. (There's my Co-Dependency flaring again....)
The labs came back from analysing the drug test. It was a false positive. He had not used. I couldn't understand why on earth they wouldn't have just given him a second drug test. The "help" that came from the Horizon house from that point on was terrible. Courtney wanted more than anything in the world to come home and be a husband and father. He did everything they told him to do. He was kicked out of the Horizon House a few weeks later for "noncompliance". During that time I had moved back to Salt Lake to live with my wonderful parents to have help with Ivie.
Courtney was sent back to jail for 2 months where he was finally released on probation, November 12, 2003. He had been gone for more than 6 months. But he was home! And he was sober! We were ready to move on with our lives, we had battled everything and everyone to stay together and now we finally were together and could face anything right? Right?
Court went to AA and NA meetings for the next 18 months as part of his probation. When it was complete his charges were expunged from his record.
I wish I could say that was our happily ever after moment, but it wasn't. Courtney battled with depression and I battled with Co-Dependency. Slowly our lives were headed back into the realm of chaos.
I was recruited into Mary Kay in June of 2006. I need someone to tell me that I was wonderful. I threw my whole heart (and money) into this "business" I was a superstar. My addiction went from my husband to Mary Kay. I won a car (not free) and awards (that I also pretty much bought). I didn't know in my heart who I was. Mary Kay is filled with stories about repressed women who found God and became wonderful and influential. The problem is that the God that these women worship is Mary Kay
During this time my poor husband didn't know how to deal with my complete personality change. I went from being his loving and devoted rock; to never being home, never wanting to be around him and pushing him out of my new life. He began to use again.
When everything finally came out we swayed back and forth for months about separating. Its heart wrenching and anyone who has experienced it my heart goes out to you. Court started going to AA meetings again and I quit Mary Kay and got a real job....that actually brought in real money (novel idea right?)
We lived in this hell of uncertainty for a year and a half. Neither one wanting to contribute anything to our marriage because we didn't know if it would survive. There was a trust breech by both parties and we didn't know how to restore it.
Then another miracle happened. I became pregnant with Dylan. This was it, we had to choose. Make it work or don't. Like Yoda says "Do, or do not, there is no try" We chose to make it work. We were both ready for a new life and started going to church for the first time in 6 years. We were working with our bishop and making preparations so that we could become ready to go to the Temple. He encouraged us to go the the LDS 12 Step meetings and we did for a while. They were great but Courtney wasn't ready to be sober. His heart wasn't pierced. We became lax in our hope for recovery.
In May of 2009 we put an offer on a house and moved out of our little apartment. Its so amazing to me looking back how easy it is to turn away from God when you feel like you are doing alright.
Over the next year Courtney continued to struggle with his addiction. I had reached the point in mine where I was so exhausted trying to save, control, punish, threaten, cry to, scream at, ignore, yell at, poke, prod, catch him in the act, rationalize, and enable him that I was completely shut down. He was using Lortab and Percocet in huge quantities. I hated being home. Anything he did set me off, and anything that I did set him off. It was volatile.
On July 15, 2010 my beautiful Grandmother passed away. I was in Salt Lake for practically the whole month prior to her death. It was my escape from this life that was swallowing me whole. She was in a medically induced coma for a week, when she came out of it she looked me with love and understanding in her eyes and told me "Mandi, trust the Lord." She cold not have spoken truer words. I was not trusting Him. I wasn't even talking to Him.
Courtney came up for her funeral. There were hundreds and hundreds of people that came to her viewing. Her and my Grandpa have blessed so many peoples lives just by the way they live theirs. Their spirits radiate love and acceptance and hope. The love that my Grandparents had shown Courtney when very few had was realized at this moment. They were not judgmental towards him the way that he had been to others. He started to realize there were more important things in life than image and insecurities. His heart of stone was beginning to crack.
A few weeks later he heard Ivie pray. She asked Heavenly Father to make it so that our family wouldn't be sick anymore. This beautiful daughter of God that he has shared with us had suffered so much. She knew that there was chaos in our home. She also knew that Heavenly Father could heal us. What a simple yet profound prayer.
Another crack.
Because of these and a few other circumstances Courtney and I decided to go to an LDS 12 Step meeting again. The Spirit was so strong. We knew that this was where we belonged. We knew that by learning of the Saviors Atonement we could be healed, just like Ivie prayed for.
I learned about my Co-Dependency. I didn't cause Court's addiction, I cant control it and I cant change it. But I can still love him; AFTER I love myself.
Its impossible for me to explain the change in my husband. Unless you know him personally you just can't understand the night and day difference. In the beginning of my story I mentioned that when I saw Court for the first time there was something familiar about him. All through the years of addiction I would have these de ja vu-ish moments that reflected something wonderful when he was totally not. Now I know why. I believe that Court and I were together before this life, the moments of recognization were real. Now that he is truly in recovery, he is the person I would get glimpses of, the person that I fell in love with a long time ago. His spirit is no longer dimmed, it shines.
People ask me "Why is it different this time? How do you know that he will stay sober?" The answer is, that I don't know that he will. I do know, that on his own he can't; but with Jesus Christ he can do anything. Courtney is no longer the guy I married, he is kind and humble, he is happy and grateful, he is funny and attentive, he is spiritual. He understands his worth as a child of God and that my friends, makes all the difference in the world.
Are we perfect? Heck no. Do we still have moments where our old habits try and resurface? All the time. But the difference today is that we know in our hearts that Christ can redeem us from all of our weaknesses and sin that hold us back and keep us sick. I have learned that the Atonement is not something that we apply at the end of our lives, in hopes that we will be redeemed. It is meant to be applied minute by minute so that at the end of our lives we know that we did the very best that we could. Even on days when its just geting out of bed. Christ will indefinitely make up the rest for us, he already has. We just need to learn how to ask him.
I hope that by sharing our story you will find hope, hope for the addicts in your life, hope for yourself, hope for a stranger.
On the cover of the Guide To Addiction Recovery it says:
"Written with support from Church leaders and counseling professionals by those
who have suffered from addiction and who have experienced the miracle of recovery through the Atonement of Jesus Christ"
My husbands recovery (and mine for that matter) is one of the many miracles that we have been blessed with in our lives.
I learned that when I prayed all of those years ago for Heavenly Father to take Courtney's addiction away why he didn't. Not because he couldn't, but because Courtney had to freely give it to him.
There is a comment made in almost every single meeting that we attend.
"EVERYONE should come to these!"
I agree, many of us have the desire to bring Christ closer to us. We all need help from a Higher Power. This program teaches you step by step how to do that. I encourage every single one of you to attend at least one of these meetings whether you are LDS or not. (There have been many meetings that I have been to where not everyone is LDS.) They are so indescribably beautiful. They are full of love and acceptance. You can feel the prayers offered on your behalf there. Regardless of your faith we are all children of God, in these meetings where you are sharing your weaknesses you can feel Him. Hugging you, smiling at you and pulling you forward. They give you hope.
So my friends, this is where our story ends today. With hope.
"The Lord works from the inside out. The world works from the outside in.
The world would take people out of the slums. Christ takes the slums out
of people, and then they take themselves out of the slums.
The world would mold men by changing their environment. Christ changes men, who then change their environment.
The world would shape human behavior, but Christ can change human nature. . . ."
“May we be convinced that Jesus is the Christ, choose to follow Him, be changed for Him, captained by Him, consumed in Him, and born again”
(President Ezra Taft Benson Conference Report, Oct. 1985, 5–6; or Ensign, Nov. 1985, 6–7).